Barrelassin’ Bits

“When you enter the bathroom and it smells like perfume, but everyone is in their pajamas- someone has obviously just pooped.”

“You haven’t made it until you have a little blue check next to your Facebook name or Twitter handle.”

“I would say that about fifty percent of the people I know could legitimately have the headline “Life After Scandal!” above their photo plastered on the front page of a tabloid paper on any given day of the week.”

“Women being chased by an ax-murderer suddenly think that running in one high-heeled shoe is a good idea. Men being chased by an ax-murderer don’t even bother to run; they try to be bad-asses and save everyone by fighting back with some silly object while talking trash to a man with an ax sticking out of his head; somehow they still start off thinking they can win this fight.”

“People don’t actually “forget where they came from” that would be amnesia and cause for immediate medical attention. People do however, move up, move over, move on, or move away.”


“Anyone claiming to have walked away and never looked back probably did look back- just to see if anyone else was looking.”

“It’s always the ones who claim not to be able to live without someone or something else that are the ones still living.”

The ones who sell out usually rake in.”


“I swear!” makes everything sound much more believable.”

  “Age is just a number. Yes, the number of your age.”


 “I’m old enough to remember when coffee was pronounced “coffee.” Now, people seem to enjoy like ten different ingredients and adding the word coffee to the end of it.”


  “I promise, I won’t tell anyone else.” If you have to make someone swear to secrecy, you            probably already distrust this person a little. Don’t tell them.”


 “The ones giving advice are usually the ones who have no idea what’s going on.”


   “When your child, who was once afraid to stay at home alone, suddenly asks to stay at home         alone, you should now be the one who’s afraid.”


    “All the best drinks are served with tiny umbrellas in them.”


 “If I had a nickel for every time I’ve heard that, I’d be rich.” Remember, it takes 2,000 nickels to make $100.00. While $100.00 is very handy, it’s hardly enough to make anyone “rich.” Now just imagine how many times you would actually have to hear something to get rich by way of the mighty nickel.

“I didn’t check behind the shower curtain upon entering my bathroom this morning; I could’ve   been killed.”

 “If ever the tables are about to turn-just switch seats.”


  “A lot of people’s “free time” is actually earned and not really free.”

    “The biggest mistake I ever make is simply saying “the biggest mistake I’ve ever made.”             Because saying the biggest mistake I’ve ever made” is usually followed by an even bigger              mistake.”

“The term “just sayin” is usually used when someone is just sayin’ something you don’t want to hear.”

“The statement ‘not to mention’ is always followed by something about the very thing we’re “not mentioning.”

“You’re giving me a headache” is code for “you’re annoying the hell out of me.”


“Trying to figure out how to use my powers for good vs. evil all day is one tough job!”


“Never, ever, under any circumstances, go anywhere with Jessica Fletcher or Ben Matlock. Someone is going to die or be found dead wherever they are-and if you’re anywhere near either of them, it could be you. If not you then, you will be the suspect. You’re better off staying at home.”

“I have gay friends, and I can’t imagine not liking them for who they are sleeping with. If I judged all of my straight friends for some of the people they have slept with… or are currently sleeping with, I’m fairly certain I wouldn’t have many friends.”

“People, who have fought real wars, don’t talk about their battles. People, who are truly hurt, don’t walk around telling everyone how hurt they feel. People, who are in real pain, don’t talk about how much pain they’re in. People, who are truly sick, don’t tell the world how sick they really are. People, who have been truly wronged, don’t spend their days talking about how badly they’ve been wronged.”

“People who are being used don’t know they’re being used. People, who are being abused, don’t think they’re being abused. People, who are out of control, believe they have everything under control. People, who are tough, don’t brag about being tough. People, who work really hard, get little credit and don’t have to tell anyone how hard they’ve worked.”

“People, who deserve it, don’t always get it. People, who get it, don’t always deserve it. People, who are dirty, think they’re clean. People, who are really clean, always think they’re dirty. Heroes don’t tell people they’re heroes.  But assholes, know they’re assholes. That’s what makes them assholes!”

“Actions really do speak louder than words so as I like to say: Listen to the sound of the way someone is treating you instead of their words. Their tone can sometimes be deafening.”


“I know a lot of people and I do not know a single one of them who is better than any of the rest- despite what they may think themselves. What I consider success is probably the exact opposite of what a lot of people consider success. I do not need the approval of phony people, rich people, poor people, ugly people or pretty people. I can be anything I want to be and I am just that; a big-hearted, happy smart-ass.”


“When all is said and done, I have places I hope to have gone in my life. Those who stand by my side and support my dreams I welcome on the ride.  Anyone else will simply be pushed out of the car.”

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