RIP MICHAEL JACKSON, KING OF POP

I was Michael Jackson’s girlfriend when I was little. He didn’t know it, but I  sure did lol. Our love was held together by zippered jackets, shiny gloves and countless hours of trying to moonwalk. I must have driven my mother crazy playing and re-playing the same Thriller album over and over and over.

 One Christmas, my mom got me the Michael Jackson doll, along with the Dolly Parton and Elvis doll. What a combination. I also received the Barbie McDonalds that same Christmas. Michael Jackson regularly worked at McDonalds and sold Elvis and Dolly Big Macs. In my house, you could wear a shiny glove and work the register.

 The Paparazzi  never bothered Dolly and Elvis. After all, back then, they were just Barbie’s parents. I had the Marilyn Monroe doll as well and she was Michaels girlfriend at McDonalds. That was one happening burger joint!

 In all seriousness, I remember so well the day my mother called to tell me that Michael Jackson had been rushed to the hospital, not breathing. I literally remember being in the carport of my friend’s house, loading kids into a car, about to be on our way to an outdoor concert to have some fun. I’m pretty sure I first felt like this was one of those days that I’ve always known was coming. Then I quickly went into denial and spoke to mom as if she was over re-acting, and things were fine.

 A short time later, in the drive-thru of  Taco Bell, we had the radio on with all the breaking news and my mom calling me back and forth trying to update me, I clearly remember them stating that Michael Jackson had passed, then instantly they weren’t sure, then again, they had confirmed it. My little heart dropped to my stomach and I fought the tears, not wanting to seem ridiculous to everyone else in the car.

 We went about our day at the show, only mentioning it occasionally, like how sad it was and such. Then I ended up marrying the TV so that I was able to keep up with every single piece of MJ coverage. I watched the entire funeral with a box of Kleenex and just sobbed. My tears were no match for such a touching and sad televised event. RIP Michael Jackson, King of Pop 😦

FRIDAY THE 13TH IS RIGHT ON TRACK

Today I set my very own record! I walked the track in two minutes flat! I got all gussied up in my track clothes. You know, the clothes that help make you feel more amazing anytime you exercise? Anyway, I’m getting off track here(pun intended.)

 Getting off track was exactly what I intended to do after only one minute and  half way around my first lap, when a man walked out of the woods with  a weed eater. I don’t know if my heart actually stopped, but I know it was no longer beating at a healthy pace or rhythm once I saw him.

 My daughter was sitting in our car chillin’ when this all took place. I continued the last half stretch toward my car, all the while pretending to admire the trees on each side, my head darting from side to side as I secretly kept my eyes on how far behind me the weed eating murderer was walking. I reached the part of the track nearest our car with my very best “everything’s all cool, you didn’t just scare the shit out me” attitude just in time to pretend I needed to stop and ask my daughter a question before the killer closed in on me. I’m sure I was very inconspicuous, like a spy. I made it  just in time for the murderer to continue walking right past us.

 Maybe it’s just me, but it seemed a little suspicious that he walked across the street and began his weed eating cover character over there. I asked my daughter what she thought I should do, she gave me her most puzzling look and told me that I should probably continue my walk. I started to, I tried as hard as I could, I even took a few steps, then I heard the weed eater slow down, almost to a complete stop. It was then that  I realized if I kept going, and I reached the far side of the track and that man came back across the street, I would surely die. Probably of a heart attack before he had time to kill me, but either way, I would be dead.

 I decided to leave and finish my walk at home, where the streets are safe. This is how the conversation between me and my daughter went down next:
Daughter: “You only walked one lap.”
Me: ” Excuse me, a man came walking out of the woods at me!”
Daughter: “With a weed eater!”
Me: “Well, it may as well have been a chainsaw and a hockey mask. Take me home.”

THE WAITING IS THE HARDEST PART…BENADRYL

Holy shit! Waiting for the marked drowsiness to kick in from my Benadryl! Magnum P.I. and Murder She Wrote just crossed paths! It is either officially past my bedtime, or I am actually asleep. Possibly even time travel. Not sure yet. :/ Magnum is about to be charged and needs Jessica’s help. Luckily for him, she happens to always be in the area whenever a murder takes place. He’s going to wait for her to re-enact the whole situation, and then I’m sure she’ll figure it all out, making it possible for Magnum to spend just under a TV hour in the slammer. Magnum’s sole job on this episode is to sit behind bars and let Jessica Fletcher put the puzzle together. As cheesy as it seems now, naturally, I’m glued to the TV and a little nervous, hoping against all odds that she can do it!
Wrap your heads around that Barrelassers. Enjoy 🙂

BEVERLY HILLS COP…LAWD HAVE MURPHY!

I loved Beverly Hills Cop when I was a kid! I loved Eddie Murphy in everything! Trading Places was hilarious to me, but his stand-up was the best. I wasn’t nearly old enough to be watching Eddie Murphy’s stand-up, but I did. I watched it every chance I got. I’m pretty certain that I was the only fifth grader wearing a Lawd Have Murphy shirt to school. My Barrelassin mom went and saw that show live, and I cried and was so upset that she wouldn’t take me with her, but she did bring me a shirt. Thanks  mom 😉 I can’t imagine the humiliation she would’ve felt had she took an eleven year old child to see Eddie Murphy live, however, mom, I think that was my last shot. She suggested I see Whitney Houston instead of Motley Crue when given the choice, because she said Whitney may never come back to our town. She was right, we saw her, it was fantastic, and she never came back. I should’ve thought to use this logic with Eddie Murphy. I still haven’t seen him :/
“I got some Ice-cream, and you don’t have none.”

Goony Goo-Goo Barrelassers 🙂
 

TOTALLY ROCKING FATHER’S DAY/RHONJ/SPRINKLE COOKIES? ANDY COHEN?

I hope all the daddys out there had a totally rockin’ Father’s Day today! We had a blast today celebrating with my kids and the husband and close friends. I love my husband and all, and he’s a wonderful  dad to my kids (and technically he’s their stepfather.) He’s been with them for 11 years and they are his!! He loves them and they love him. I love him, too, but I’m crossing my fingers right now that when I step into the living room, he’s asleep on the couch so I  can have the one beer in the refrigerator. I love him and all, he’s a great dad to the kids, but I really want that beer to drink while I watch the Housewives and fall asleep! We’ll see, I guess. I spent part of my relaxing day explaining to a 76 yr old woman that my favorite show involves two women who hate one another, and I’m pretty sure the root of it all is Sprinkle Cookies. The RHONJ holds my attention; I can’t help it.  Let’s go see about that beer; Andy Cohen’s got the 411.

He’s the king of midnight fun! Enjoy Barrelassers 🙂

CINDY LAUPER COMES BACK; TIME AFTER TIME!

Nobody in the music industry was more adorable than Cindy Lauper in the eighties! I was a grown woman before I was finally able to see her live. She was pregnant with her son and opening for Tina Turner. How amazeballs is that? Two super women performing at the same show! That reminds me, we got tickets for my Barrelassin mom’s birthday. Several of us were attending the show. We lived about an hour away from the venue. The very moment that I was parking in the garage, my Aunt realized that she had left her ticket at home. So, her son, my cousin, gave her his ticket and literally Barrelassed back to the house and back (getting a speeding ticket on the way back) with the ticket. Fortunately, we had arrived early enough in the first place that the show had just started when he made it to his seat. Now here I am, learning that Cindy is kicking off a 2013 tour. I’m thinking this calls for a Girl’s Just Wanna Have Fun Road Trip! Now I just need to get my Barrelassin girls on board and we’ll be good to go. Maybe they’ll read this and take the hint 😉
After all, Time After Time; Girls Just Wanna Have Fun any damn way!

Enjoy Barrelassers 🙂

I STILL LOVE A GOOD SHOULDER SHIMMY LIKE PAT BENATAR’S :)

I can’t count the number of times that me and Barrelassin cousin tried to dress like this. We’d watch this video, sing the song and shimmy our shoulders like Pat. We were young, heartache to heartache we stood. No promises; No demands. Oh who am I kidding? Love was certainly not a battlefield for a couple of nine year olds on a dead end street, with nothing better to do than pretend to be Pat Benatar on a Saturday afternoon. But we sure could sing it while making it seem so dramatic. The fake look of pain on our faces must have been priceless as we shimmied our way onto the battlefield of love (probably the Sesame Street swing set in the backyard.)

If I’m being honest, I still love a good shoulder shimmy.
Love is Battlefield Barrelassers. Enjoy it 🙂

THE POLICE ARE WATCHING YOU; STING IS NOT WITH THEM!

Seriously! Today has been one hell of a Barrelassin day. It started all good. Took my momma to her appointment at The Women’s Center, it went great right up until they called a “code grey” for a tornado and we were all stuck there in the hallway taking cover. I felt perfectly safe, but my Barrelassin kids were scattered around the county with their friends. They were fine, but I was on edge when we were “released”  and free to go leave. I’m trying to get my mom’s car to a garage that is waiting for me before they close so that they can take a look at mom’s window that has now slid down and won’t go back up, in the pouring, tornado rain. My 71 year old mother is now holding plastic over it as we scoot down the road. At a stop light, I check my phone, the light turns green, I don’t step on the gas quick enough for the police officer behind me, he pulls me over (it has stopped raining now), instantly accuses me of texting, I say I’m not, he calls me a liar, he gets really rude and hateful with me, makes me cry, grits his teeth and tells me I’m directing my anger toward the wrong person. Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm…let me think about this. I’m pretty sure I’m directing my anger in the exact direction, of the very person that is pissing me off. I’m crying because he’s rude, and I’m a baby, but mostly because I can’t control the fact that I know I’m right, he’s wrong, and he has all the authority; there’s nothing I can do but allow him to talk to me this way. Believe me, I know how to act with an officer, I’m no idiot, but he was down right rude to me!! Of course he kept telling me I was arguing with him; it didn’t matter what I said. But I felt he was getting a little too close to my face in the window gritting his teeth, so naturally, I explained to him that I felt like I was being attacked. Not physically, but he wanted to be all “oh now I’m attacking you, huh?” WTF was wrong with this guy? I don’t live in a town where the police act this way toward the citizens. I felt like I was in the big city now! Finally, I cry enough, nearly sending me into a serious panic attack, for real, he gives me some sort of ticket and tells me to just go pay some other amount and not go to court, blah, blah,blah, I leave, the garage is now closed, I meet and get in the car with my husband, in the next town over, fifteen miles away, he double parks in a fire zone to drop some movies off at the Red Box, a cop walks by and is pissed at me, I move the car, but for real, now I’m thinking “did all the cops in the county get their asses chewed today and perhaps they’re directing their anger toward me.?.?.” It could happen. Anyway, the police are watching you and it sure as hell isn’t Sting!! P.S. whatever you do, don’t touch your phone at the light, and even though I wasn’t texting anyone…updating your Facebook status could cost you $103.00 😉 Just sayin’
Yeah, this is definitely not the police who pulled me over today!!

Enjoy Every Breath You Take Barrelassers 🙂